


and when you find out what's wrong with me/ could you tell me im still right for you?

by Doodlelupin



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Gets a Hug, M/M, Mentioned Georgie Barker, Mentioned Sasha James, Mentioned Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Protective Martin Blackwood, anyway, feeling like an inconvenience and a burden, i mean actually martin too, im tired i dont know how to tag this, jon is....definitely just jon, you can drag pet names out of my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28126173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doodlelupin/pseuds/Doodlelupin
Summary: Jon cant tell if it's worse to lie or to dump all of his problems on Martin. Of course his boyfriend should care, but what if he's just being an inconvenience?
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	and when you find out what's wrong with me/ could you tell me im still right for you?

**Author's Note:**

> i didnt like. plan this out to be any specific point in the tma? in my head jon and martin got together at some point in season 1 and this is taking place right after the worm attacks because jon has to take time off work to rest...or perhaps they force him to take some time off in season 2 and they got together after the worm thing instead? idk i am trying to make the timeline make sense and it doesnt have to lol enjoy

“What’s the matter, Jon?”

“Hm? Nothing’s the matter. Why do you ask?”

“Because you have that look on your face.”

“‘That look’?...How do you mean?”

“It’s...I don’t know how to explain it. Your brow furrows slightly and your eyes aren’t focused on anything. Like this?” Martin tried to replicate the expression.

“I-I’m just tired.” Jon sighed, rubbing his face. He took Martin’s hands in his own. “I’m fine, darling.” Martin frowned.

“I don’t want to press you if you don’t want to share, so...I don’t believe you but if you can tell me you’re alright one more time then I’ll drop it.”

“I’m-” Jon started. When his lips closed to form the  _ m _ , he couldn’t bring himself to open them again. He took a breath. He didn’t like lying to Martin but he didn’t want to admit  _ this _ . Martin’s frown shifted into a more sympathetic expression. 

“You’re?” He prompted gently.

“I-I-I’m…” Jon made a few false starts. He couldn’t take the eye contact, squeezing his eyes shut and ducking his head. “I’m-sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry-” He repeated over and over, trying to ball his hands into fists. He ended up squeezing Martin’s hands, still grasped in his own.

“Hey, hey, breathe, Jon. You have nothing to apologize for, okay? Alright? You’re okay, Jon, I’m not mad at you, I promise.” Martin murmured in a soothing voice, letting go of one of his hands to gently caress his face. Jon clutched his chest with his free hand. He was struggling to breathe. He had not stopped muttering that he was sorry. By now it had devolved into a whimper.

“Jon, please-” Martin bit his lip to keep more pleas from slipping out. Jon needed an anchor, someone calm. He took a deep breath. “Like this.” He said, soft but firm. “In, out.” He demonstrated. Jon was on the brink of hyperventilating. Martin pulled him over to the couch, continuing his exaggerated breathing. Jon took some shuddering breaths. “Perfect, babe, just like that. In, out.” Martin continued. Jon copied him until his breathing had returned to normal. At some point, he had opened his eyes, watching Martin’s face to help calm himself. He didn’t look like he pitied Jon, he looked...proud. Resolute. Like he was certain Jon could get through it.  _ It  _ being a panic attack over… 

Jon dropped his gaze.

“I shouldn’t have pressed you, Jon, I’m so sorry.” Martin said softly. Jon almost laughed.

“N-No it… You didn’t-” He didn’t know how to form a sentence anymore. “I-” He huffed, frustrated at his own brain.

“Take your time,”

“I am.” Jon snapped. He winced. “I-Sorry. Ok. I-” He closed his eyes to help focus. “I. Am not alright. Obviously. However, the reason is...ridiculous at best. It is-it’s-it’s...so childish and needy and, and-”

“You know I don’t take kindly to folks insulting my boyfriend.” Martin teased gently, squeezing Jon’s hand. Jon looked up at him and chuckled.

“Fine. I just-It’s not something I should be upset about.”

“You know that’s not how it works-”

“I know but the point still stands.”

“Jon, that… literally doesn’t make any sense.”

“None of it does.” Jon sighed, exasperated.

“I- I’m lost, hon.” The confusion in Martin’s expression threatened to overtake his obvious concern.

“My brain. It doesn’t...it doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t work right. I know that, you know that, it’s just...I can  _ know _ things logically but still be unable to accept them. Like the fact that I can have feelings that may seem ridiculous but are just...feelings. I know there’s nothing I can really do about feelings and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed of them but-I just- I don’t know how to  _ not. _ ” Jon paused. “Did any of that make sense?”

“Considering you’re skirting around the  _ thing  _ you don’t want to talk about I’d say you made a remarkable amount of sense.” Martin replied. He shook his head when he realized how it had sounded. “Sorry. I’m-”

“I know, I know. You don’t want to pressure me but you are dreadfully curious, aren't you?”

“Well...curious makes it sound like I have no stake in this. I want you to be happy, Jon. If there’s something preventing that I’d like to be at least aware of it, even if I can't help… That being said, I am a bit curious, yeah.” They laughed.

“I-” Jon sighed, trying to muster up the courage to admit it. He stared at their hands intertwined between them to avoid Martin’s eyes. “I miss you.” He said quietly. “We’ve had so much time to ourselves lately and I’m- It feels so selfish but I can’t help it. I want… I want you. I want us. I don’t like being alone. And I know you can't help it! This flat isn’t going to pay for itself, I get it I really do I just- I can’t- I miss you. I don’t want you to go.”

“Oh, Jon.” Martin pulled him close in a tight embrace. Jon sunk into him, burying his face in his chest and taking it all in: the smell of tea and honey, the warmth radiating from the hand at the nape of his neck and the body wrapped around him, the soft fabric of his jumper… the feeling of home.

“This.” He said softly, no doubt muffled by their position. Martin pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I miss you too. That’s not childish.”

Jon pulled away with a sigh.

“I know.”

“I’m not scolding you, babe.” Martin laughed, kissing his cheek. “I’m trying to comfort you. Why don’t you text someone while I’m out? That might help with the...feeling of isolation. Could see if Georgie wants to stop by for a visit?”

“That’s...actually a good idea.”

“Ouch, why the tone of surprise?” Martin teased. Jon rolled his eyes, grinning.

“I just meant I hadn’t considered it. I….might.” Jon said, hoping his hesitation wasn’t too obvious.

“Might?” Apparently it was. “Not that you have to, it’s just a suggestion. It just-It doesn’t sound like...Is there something else bothering you?”

Jon dropped his eyes once more. He hated this.

“No, it’s nothing. Fuck. I- sorry, I shouldn’t have- I didn’t mean- I’m-” He stammered. He couldn’t decide if it was worse to lie or to dump all of his problems on Martin.

“Jon, look at me.” Martin said gently, tilting his chin up with a hand on his jaw. “You can talk to me.”

“I don’t…” Jon started. He grit his teeth and forced out the words. “I...don’t feel like I should be...wasting your time. I’m...I-I-I feel like...a burden. An inconvenience. And I-I know you have said time and again that I am not but there is just... _ nothing _ I can do to convince myself you’re not lying to me. Or that if I did reach out to someone, like Georgie, that I would be doing anything other than annoying them.”

Martin remained silent. Jon looked up at him. He looked like he was carefully considering his words.

“I...I know what that feels like. Especially with my mother… And even early days at the archives-it just always felt like I couldn’t do enough, like I had to make up for just existing. Hence the excessive amounts of tea.” He chuckled sadly. “For me, it helps to look at all the ways people react to me. Every time you smile when you see me, every time Tim invites me out to the pub, every time Sasha sends me a cute photo… Little things that show me someone enjoys my presence, you know?”

Jon nodded slowly, mulling it over.

“Hm, I suppose…”

“Could you list some for me?”

“I- um… Well, I mean, you knowing me well enough to know when I’m lying and pushing me to tell the truth does show that you want to know. I suppose you could have just ignored it if you didn’t actually care.” Martin beamed.

“Exactly.” He breathed. 

“I don’t text Tim often but when I do he replies immediately. Again, he could just pretend he didn’t see it but he seems eager to answer me right away. And when I message Sasha she tends to message me again later that day, like she had been waiting for me to break the silence, or like she kept thinking about me after I messaged her.” He smiled to himself.

“God, yes! Exactly, Jon. We love you. We seek you out because we love you and we want to hear what you have to say. There are plenty of opportunities to turn away but how often have I-have any of us, really-just ignored you, especially when you’re in pain? I know saying it hasn’t helped yet, but maybe someday I’ll say it enough times for it to click. You. Are not. A burden. I love you. I keep choosing to love you. And I promise I will _ keep  _ choosing to love you.” Martin said firmly.

Jon sniffled, hugging Martin tight, completely lost for words. Martin wrapped his arms around Jon, kissing the top of his head once more. They remained in each other's arms for a good while, Jon trying to compose himself but failing to feel embarrassed. How could he after  _ that _ ? Eventually, they pulled apart, Jon wiping his eyes. His fingers ghosted over the damp spot on Martin’s jumper.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” he laughed. “And I love you too.” He pushed himself up so he could press a gentle kiss to Martin’s lips. Martin smiled and kissed him back. 

Jon was by no means cured, but he did certainly feel a lot better.

**Author's Note:**

> title from ...well better than the alternative by Will Wood its only semi relevant but i had it stuck in my head the entire time i was writing it anyway hoped u liked :)


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